- “Use your words. How do you feel?”
- “If you don’t stop that right now, you’re going to lose your screen-time privileges!”
- “Think before you act!”
All of these commonly-used phrases are well-intended by parents attempting to redirect their children’s behavior. These statements are even recommended in books by so-called experts on how to discipline children effectively. I would argue that these strategies are misguided—and likely to be ineffective—at least 75% of the time.
The Problem: We’re Talking to the Wrong Brain
The fundamental issue with these approaches is that they assume a child is operating from their “thinking brain”—the prefrontal cortex—and has full access to logic, language, and executive functioning. But here’s what neuroscience tells us: when children are dysregulated, overwhelmed, or triggered, they’re not operating from their thinking brain at all. Instead, they’re firmly planted in their limbic system, where survival responses like fight, flight, or freeze take precedence over rational thought.
Dr. Mona Delahooke, a leading expert in child development and regulation, emphasizes that behavior is communication. When a child is melting down, hitting, or defying instructions, their nervous system is essentially saying, “I’m overwhelmed and need help getting regulated.” Asking them to “use their words” in this state is like asking someone who’s drowning to solve a calculus problem—the brain simply isn’t available for that level of complex processing.
Meeting the Nervous System Where It Is
Instead of immediately trying to correct or redirect challenging behavior, we can get curious about what’s really happening inside. Is your child overstimulated? Understimulated? Feeling disconnected? Their nervous system might be saying “I need help” even when their words or actions seem defiant.
This means looking beyond the behavior to understand what’s driving it. A child who appears defiant might actually be overwhelmed, and a child who seems to be “pushing buttons” might genuinely need more connection or safety.
What Actually Helps
Here are some practical ways to support a dysregulated child:
Stay calm and present: Your regulated nervous system can help guide theirs back to safety. Sometimes just being there without trying to fix anything is the most powerful thing you can do.
Think sensory needs: Some kids need to move their bodies, others need quiet space. Pay attention to what helps your child feel more settled—certain textures, sounds, or activities that seem to calm them.
Connection first: Before addressing the behavior, focus on helping your child feel seen and understood. “I can see you’re having a really hard time” goes much further than immediate correction.
Work with their body: Instead of fighting against big emotions, help kids notice what their body needs. Deep breaths, a tight hug, or even jumping up and down might help more than talking.
The Bigger Picture
This approach takes patience and a shift in how we think about challenging behavior. Instead of seeing meltdowns or defiance as signs that our child is “bad”, we can see them as signals that a child needs support with regulation. When we consistently respond to dysregulation with understanding rather than punishment, we’re teaching kids that their feelings are manageable and that they can trust us to help them through difficult moments. We’re also building the kind of relationship that makes real learning possible.
As parents—and educators—the goal of discipline isn’t to make our children comply perfectly or to never get upset. The goal should be to help children develop emotion regulation abilities, build internal resources, and cultivate the resilience they’ll need to navigate life’s ups and downs successfully as they grow.
