Yesterday morning my 9 year-old daughter asked if she could have some more TV-time before leaving the house to walk to school. “Sure,” I replied, since she had already gotten dressed and eaten breakfast, so we had a few minutes to spare. “Just put on your shoes first.” I went upstairs to finish getting myself ready; then came back 10 minutes later to prompt her to walk out the door. When I glanced down, to my dismay- she had not, in fact, put on her shoes as I’d asked her to. Her response, when I exclaimed in frustration about this? “I’m sorry- I forgot!”
Unfortunately, it was now the exact time she was supposed to be leaving or else she’d be late. Putting on her shoes, these days, involves struggling with a new pair that’s tricky to jam her foot into and that has slippery shoelaces that require multiple attempts at tying and takes many, many more minutes than we had available. (Yes, I’m working on solutions to both of these challenges). We made it out the door after a few challenging minutes and began the day in a somewhat-flustered but mostly-ok place.
After she left, I reflected on what had happened. First, the reason we’d had the challenge and second, how thankful I am that this isn’t our typical morning experience.
I often talk with the parents I work with about the importance of proximity. If you truly want your child to get something done- you need to be nearby to ensure that it happens. Rather than giving a child a direction and then walking away (like I had)- it is often necessary to stay close after giving the direction so that reminders can be given if a child gets off-track or positive feedback can be given to help the child keep going. I know this, of course, but like all parents I sometimes get busy and hope that I can multitask and it will work out.
Because my child has strong executive functioning skills (for her age) it sometimes does work out for me to leave her to independently go through a series of directions. I’m able to trust that most of the time she will remember what was asked and she’ll be able to keep herself on track to go through the steps. Sure, there will be times she gets distracted (the TV is very compelling!) and times she won’t be motivated to do what I’ve asked of her.
For the most part, though, she has the capacity to listen to my direction, process it, remember it, take action on it, monitor her progress, and keep going until it is completed. All of those capacities are executive functioning skills.
Executive functioning skills are, as Lisa Damour, PhD refers to them “the various mental properties we use to keep our lives organized… [they are] the CEO of running the company that is us.”
What many people don’t realize is that impaired executive functioning abilities are core components to having a diagnosis of ADHD. Although many people know that a person with ADHD struggles with inattention, hyperactivity/impulsivity, or all of these- that is really only a basic- and insufficient- understanding of what it means to have ADHD.
For someone with ADHD, getting out of the house involves navigating an obstacle course in their own mind. The seemingly simple task of leaving requires holding multiple steps in working memory (get shoes, grab backpack, find keys), shifting attention between tasks without getting derailed by distractions, and managing the emotional frustration that builds when things don’t go as planned. A child with ADHD might put on one shoe, notice a toy on the floor, start playing, and genuinely forget about the second shoe entirely. An adult might grab their keys, set them down to check their phone, then spend ten minutes searching for those same keys while running increasingly late. The executive functioning skills that typically coordinate this mental juggling act—like holding information in mind, staying focused, and flexibly switching between tasks—are operating at a disadvantage, turning routine departures into daily challenges that can leave both the person with ADHD and their family feeling stressed and behind schedule.
Traditional parenting strategies that work well for neurotypical children often fall short when applied to kids with ADHD, leaving parents feeling confused and ineffective. Many parents find themselves stuck in daily battles, wondering what is wrong with them and their child. In reality, it’s not them- it’s the strategies that are falling short.
For parents of children with ADHD, it is necessary to stay physically close during multi-step routines, to break tasks into smaller chunks, and to provide gentle reminders or visual cues rather than expecting independent follow-through. Understanding that a child isn’t being defiant or careless—but rather is working with a brain that struggles to process information effectively- can open the door to finding strategies that actually work.
Luckily, there are effective, evidence-based strategies that parents can learn and master with practice. I love teaching parents these skills during ADHD groups and workshops that I lead throughout the year because the parents who participate share story upon story about the ways their lives have improved as a result of more knowledge and new approaches. When parents learn to work with their child’s ADHD brain rather than against it, chaotic mornings and stressful conflicts can be transformed- turning previous parenting struggles into moments of calm and connection.
