“CeeCee doesn’t sit still for a second. She’s a total whirlwind. If I turn around for one moment, she’s climbing on the counter to get a popsicle from the freezer.”
“Miles is so stubborn! If he thinks he’s right about something he will not let it go—he’ll argue his point for days.”
“Hannah won’t stop talking and she never wants to be alone. Sometimes I just need a minute to myself to get some quiet.”
Sound familiar? If you’re nodding your head in recognition or even wiping away a tired tear, you might be the parent of what experts call a “spirited child.”
Understanding the Spirited Child
In her groundbreaking book Raising Your Spirited Child, Mary Sheedy Kurcinka introduces us to children who experience life more intensely than others. These aren’t “difficult” children—they’re spirited. They possess beautiful qualities like energy, persistence, sensitivity, and perceptiveness that simply exist at a higher volume than many parents expect or are prepared for.
Spirited children are:
- More intense: Their emotions are bigger; their reactions stronger
- Highly persistent: Once they set their minds to something, watch out!
- Sensitive: They notice everything from scratchy tags to subtle changes in tone
- Perceptive: Nothing escapes their attention
- Energetic: Their bodies seem powered by renewable energy sources
- Regular or irregular in their biological rhythms: They may resist schedules or depend on them entirely
The challenge isn’t that these children are problematic—it’s that there’s often a temperamental mismatch between parent and child. An introverted parent might struggle with an extremely extroverted child who needs constant interaction. A go-with-the-flow parent might feel frustrated by a child who needs exact routines.
The Mismatch Dynamic
When your child’s natural temperament differs dramatically from your own, parenting becomes more challenging. You’re not just teaching your child to navigate the world—you’re navigating unfamiliar territory yourself.
The exhausted parent of a spirited child often wonders, “Is it me? Am I doing something wrong?” The answer is a resounding no. What you’re experiencing is a temperament gap, and bridging it requires understanding, not blame.
Creating an Environment Where Spirited Children Can Thrive
Working with your spirited child rather than against their natural tendencies can transform your relationship and help them channel their intensity in positive ways:
- Recognize and celebrate their strengths: That persistence that drives you crazy? It’s the same quality that will help them achieve great things later in life.
- Create predictable routines: Many spirited children thrive when they know what to expect, reducing the need for battles over transitions.
- Provide appropriate outlets: Physical energy needs physical release. Intense emotions need safe expression.
- Adjust your expectations: Understanding your child’s needs and preferences helps you set realistic expectations for behavior.
- Take care of yourself: Parenting a spirited child requires tremendous energy. You need and deserve regular breaks.
The Gift of the Spirited Child
While parenting a spirited child can be exhausting, these remarkable children bring extraordinary gifts to our lives. Their passion, creativity, and determination can be awe-inspiring. They notice details others miss and feel connections others might overlook.
The spirited children of today become the innovators, artists, leaders, and changemakers of tomorrow—if we can provide the understanding and support they need to harness their intensity in positive ways.
Our job as parents is not to dim our child’s brightness but rather to help them shine in ways that work for them and the world around them. It’s not easy work, but few things worthwhile ever are.
