We’ve all been there: Complained to a friend about a tough situation and ended with something like, “Oh well, there’s nothing I can do…” or thrown up our hands and said, “It is what it is. I’m stuck.” And while there’s certainly value in accepting situations that are outside of our control and letting go of unnecessary struggles- I’ve been thinking more and more about how much power there can be in owning our choices and our freedom.
I’m on vacation right now, sitting in a coffee shop, checking work-related emails and writing these thoughts. I could be resentful because it’s my time off and some might say I “should be” relaxing… but actually I am choosing to do a little bit of work each day because I’d prefer to stay caught up and come back into the office feeling on top of things. This is my choice. On other vacations- in contrast- I’ve told my colleagues, “I’m unavailable unless the office is burning down. Don’t text me.” Did this mean I came back to a boatload of things to do that I needed to dig myself out of? Absolutely. But that, too, was my choice- and it allowed me to feel completely unplugged on those vacations- which was what I needed at those times. If I start to tell myself the story, this time, that “I have no choice- I have to do work on vacation,” I would end up resentful and bitter. Instead, today I just feel grateful that I got to spend the morning at the beach and that this afternoon of work will allow me to feel prepared for what’s to come.
Right now, I have many friends who are gearing up for the start of the school year and all the extracurricular activities that go along with it. The ones who proclaim that they have “no choice” but to sign their kids up for travel sports or performing arts programs that demand hours of rehearsals multiple times a week are feeling particularly stressed and sad that summer is ending. I have one friend who really does not enjoy how few meals her family has together and how many of her evenings are spent shuttling kids back and forth between activities with little downtime for herself or them- during the academic year. But when she talks about the decision to keep her kids’ schedules this busy, this is what she says: “I know how much J— loves soccer. It brings him so much joy and confidence. And R— loves to perform- she lights up on stage. I am choosing that in this season of life- our schedules will be this full because I want them to have these experiences.” She is owning her choice. This doesn’t mean she’s not tired or no longer wishes for more family meals- but it does mean she feels clarity about her decision- and feels good about why she’s living this way. I have a different friend who allows her kids to choose only 1 activity per year- and travel sports are off limits. She gets a lot of flack from her kids who want to do more and pressure from her community that her kids are missing out. She, too, owns her decision- leaning into her clarity on her priority of having peaceful evenings. These empowered stances- resulting in very different decisions- gives both my friends more energy and more feelings of contentment.
When we recognize we’re avoiding a tough conversation because we don’t want to upset another person- we’re being honest. In the same situation we might make the opposite decision, recognizing the frustration and disappointment of not speaking up is causing more harm. If we tell ourselves “it’s an impossible choice” about whether to speak up or not- we’re lying to ourselves. There’s almost never a universally-right decision. There is only the right decision for each specific individual based on their unique values, priorities, and circumstances.
Owning our choices can be incredibly hard because it often means we have to live with others’ judgment, disappointing others, realizing previous choices led to this moment, or admitting to ourselves that some of the unpleasantness or stress in our lives are actually things we *could* change- if we decided to do so.
The benefits of truly admitting how much power we have, however, is immeasurable: doing so brings us peace and freedom. There is a sense of serenity that comes from living in alignment with our values and priorities- instead of our fears. There is a freedom in recognizing we are not victims of circumstances or others’ expectations. We are the authors of our own lives.
As we enter the Fall season, I encourage all of us to identify an area where we feel stuck. Then- determine whether we will embrace staying in the situation for clear values-based reasons or identify small actions we can take to change the situation. The choice is up to us.
