Earlier this week, my husband and I sent our two kids off to overnight camp. It was my 9 year-old’s first time going but I had a harder time getting my 13 year-old ready. Whereas my younger child was open to input on what to bring and how to organize her packing- my 13 year-old had definite, strong opinions about how to prepare. And while I absolutely want my teen to develop her independence and problem-solving abilities- I found myself struggling a bit with the potential pitfalls I imagined her encountering.
I was happy to let my eldest take the lead on choosing what toiletries and products she needed (despite the *many* trips to Target after she remembered “just a couple more things”) and pleased to see the items she included to personalize her cabin space included a recent family photo. But- whew!- we did not see eye to eye on what clothes and jewelry she should pack. She has one coveted (and pricey!) sweatshirt that she adores and I suspect she’ll feel devastated if it comes home covered in stains or gets lost. And she has jewelry that has sentimental value that can’t be replaced. The loss of it would be upsetting both to her and to those who gave it to her.
So… in the lead up to leaving- I reminded her of my concerns repeatedly… in a naggy way, often around bedtime- when she was supposed to be winding down- not amping up in a conflict. Oops. Not one of my best parenting choices.
I remembered- after a few heated conversations- that at the stage of parenting we’re in- I’m supposed to be advising her rather than directing her in many instances. Rather than telling her what she has to do- I’m meant to be thinking situations through with her and allowing her to draw her own conclusions. If she makes mistakes or suffers some minor consequences- those are learning opportunities. Making her own (safe enough) choices and having situations not work out is exactly how she’ll build resilience and figure out what to do better next time and in the future when I’m not around.
After reaching this conclusion, I apologized and left the choices up to her. I made it clear that I wouldn’t be replacing any items of value that were lost or ruined but if she wanted to take the risk- it was up to her. She landed on taking her favorite sweatshirt with her but leaving her special jewelry at home. We’ll see in a few weeks how the experiment went.
These recent interactions have me thinking about how hard it can be for us parents to stop ourselves from taking action to “protect” our children. Even though I’m a child psychologist- and I know better logically- I struggle with not doing too much for my kids; with not making the path for them too smooth. Although I know that allowing mistakes and failures makes kids stronger and more independent, if I’m honest- it also really hurts my heart when my kids are hurting.
To help me navigate this tricky path, I’m going to hold onto Miriam Adahan’s formula for effective parenting from Wendy Mogel’s book The Blessing of a Skinned Knee– which is: ⅓ love, ⅓ law, and ⅓ sitting on your hands. When my kids return- for the remainder of the summer and into the year ahead- I’m going to continue to strive to “sit on my hands” more so that my kids can explore, make their own choices, and grow from their experiences.
